


All Of Me

by happycookiie



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Awkward Kissing, F/M, Friendship/Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 18:04:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6161914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happycookiie/pseuds/happycookiie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beth thinks she's known for a while that Daryl loves her, but it's never been about the thing it always is in all those stories about passion and falling in love that she used to read. He loves her, but not in the way she thought was essential to a romance. It's not about that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Of Me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [And the Bright Star Falls Behind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6150054) by [dynamicsymmetry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dynamicsymmetry/pseuds/dynamicsymmetry). 



> This is a fic I wrote after being inspired by dynamicsymmetry's newest fic: "And the Bright Star Falls Behind" about an asexual Daryl, and I just couldn't stop thinking about similar scenarios, so I decided to write my own. Asexual Daryl, in my opinion, is as closest to show canon Daryl you can get, since him behaving in this kind of way when faced with romance seems the most realistic.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

She thought it might be something like this.

After everything between them, everything between him and _himself_ … of _course_ it would be something like that.

It was there whenever she touched him, when it was just the two of them. Whenever he touched _her_. He got better at doing that with time, his touches growing bolder, more confident, and more frequent, but it was still always there.

It was never about _that_ between them.

After he and the rest of them had seen her again on their trip to Hilltop, he hadn't been reluctant in any way in bounding over to her and throwing his arms around her. He'd crushed her to him selfishly, though she'd never hold that act of selfishness against him, and breathed her in like she was air.

Like he could finally breathe again, after all this time.

Like he'd been running all that time, and could finally suck in those deep breaths of oxygen at last. And of course she'd hugged him back with every ounce of strength in her muscles, and breathed in his distinctive scent of smoke and leather that she never imagined she'd dream about for months without it.

Even then it hadn't been about that.

But the first time she actually realises it is when they're saying their temporary goodbyes at the Hilltop gates, before he returns to Alexandria.

 _Just for a couple of days_ , they say. To sort things out.

Of course, he makes a massive deal about leaving her, and she gets it, because she doesn't want to leave him again either.

She's not gonna leave him, not again.

Not ever.

But sometimes things have to be done, and they get that, so they walk to the gates together and stop just outside. She knows he can tell something's different about her in the silence as they were walking, and he straight up freezes when she strides close to him and winds her arms around his neck. He goes tense, the sudden passion in her embrace overwhelming, and only just manages to plant a palm at the base of her spine.

But still… it's awkward.

She thinks she shouldn't, but she still does it.

She pulls away from where she's tucked her face into his neck and leans in. Her lips brush his lightly, her eyelids having fluttered shut and the waves of his trembles shaking against her. She ghosts her thumbs across the stubble on his cheeks as she holds his quaking lips against her own, before eventually pulling away and staring up at him.

He looks _horrified_ , like she's just sunk her teeth into his neck and taken a chunk out of him, and it alarms her.

His eyes are huge with terror, and he practically _flees_ after she whispers goodbye, and they don't see each other for a few days after that.

As hurt as she is over his reaction, it's that moment right then that she gets it.

It wasn't about that.

It was never about that.

.

.

When she sees him again, as he comes striding in through the Hilltop gates with Maggie, Glenn and Abraham, he doesn't look as petrified as he did when she last saw him. But there's still an element of unease in his eyes when they fall on her, and he looks away.

She bites her lip and looks at the ground.

That night, she sits on the roof of the community's gigantic central house, and stares out into the woods beyond the walls. Eventually, the window she came from opens, and a figure comes scrambling out.

She doesn't have to turn to see who it is.

Daryl manoeuvres himself over the red tiles to where she's sitting, and seats himself down next to her.

They don't talk for a long while, both watching the leaves on the distant trees sway gently in the wind.

It's not exactly cold up on the roof, but it's not warm either, and Beth feels goose bumps rising on her arms beneath the thin fabric of her shirt, and she lifts her hands to rub some friction up and down them.

Eventually, Daryl opens his mouth to speak.

"'M sorry." he says.

It's barely a whisper, so quiet she could've easily missed it.

But she doesn't.

"It's okay," she whispers back, her own voice equally quiet.

"It's not," he retorts softly, "Shouldn't have to be, it shouldn't-"

"But it _is_."

He looks at her then, his hair falling in his face and nearly covering his eyes completely, but they still poke out from underneath the bangs like bright shimmering stars.

She stares back, her own eyes glimmering in the dark, and she forces a smile.

"I should've known, really…" she says, "I should've noticed, 'cause you didn't like being touched all that much, and 'cause you didn't wanna talk about or do any of that other stuff… I should've just _known_."

It should've been obvious.

He looks down at his hands and twists his fingers together, his mouth pressed in a tight line, and she wants to cry.

Because this isn't how it's supposed to be.

This isn't how all those love stories she read used to go, with the guy and the girl finding each other again, despite all odds, with the happy endings, and the laughter, and all the _love_.

He ran after a car all night for her, chased it again when he saw it all the way to Atlanta… And her. She defied _death_ just to be with him again. But it's still not enough, and the biggest thing is there's nothing either of them can do to _make_ it like that, because it was never going to be that way no matter _what_ they did.

This isn't how it's supposed to be, but it's been clear from the start that this was _always_ the way it was going to go.

Inevitable.

It's not about that, it never was… So then why does it hurt so damn _much_?

"Beth…" he murmurs, gaze still locked downward, and she blinks the building tears away.

"…You don't have to say anything," she says gently. _Earnestly_.

It's not his fault. He didn't choose for it to be like this. He didn't choose to _be_ this way, it's just who he is. And it doesn't change anything, does it?

Not _really_ …

"You don't have to justify your reasons for not wantin' that," she said. "For not wantin' to do any of that… For not wantin' to be touched-"

"I like it when it's _you_ ," he squeaks, his voice _far_ too small for a man of his appearance.

She looks at him.

"…I want that when it's you… I like you to… I just don't want _that_."

"I know,"

He looks at her then and his eyes are filled with so much hurt.

So much of it, and fear, and _shame_.

He's ashamed of the way he is because he can't give her what she wants, and that makes her want to cry even more.

"…I'm _sorry_ …" he utters.

She reaches into his lap where his fingers are wound together and squeezes his hand.

He doesn't jump like when she kissed him, and lets her pull his hand out onto his thigh and intertwine their fingers together, like that time by the gravestone all those: _a while's_ ago.

"Please don't apologise," she pleads, "Don't do that. You don't have to be sorry, you don't have to be sorry for anythin'. It's just the way you are, it's just…"

_It's nothing we can't handle._

"I wanna be somethin' else for you."

She feels her heart shatter just like the top of her skull had as the bullet tore through it.

Gripping his fingers as selfishly as he'd ran to hug her that day, she shakes her head and swallows her tears.

"You already _are_."

"Not t'way I wanted to be," he breathes, "Not the way _you_ wanted."

"There's wantin'… And there's needin'. I don't need any of that… I just need you."

His breathing quickens and she can feel his hand trembling in hers.

How did she used to see this man as something so huge, so stable and dependent… when he was just this terrified, lonely, small child deep down? Something so scared, terrified of doing anything except staying still… and alone.

How had she ever seen anything else?

"An'… An' that's enough?" he asks, and her heart snaps in two again.

"That's _so_ much more than enough," she breathes.

_So much more._

"I lived when a bullet tore through my head, and ran hundreds of miles to find you and the others. I _found_ you again even after all that, and the fact that I get to have this, even despite that… That's more than I _ever_ expected, or deserved, to get."

She rubs a thumb along the back of his hand, down to that burned part at the space between his fingers, and doesn't try to stop the tears from tumbling down her cheeks as she smiles.

"I'm supposed to be dead… and now I get to live."

_It's not about that._

_It doesn't have to be, because I have you_.

"I get to be with you again, just _being_ , without all that other stuff. You don't have to have sex with someone to love them, Daryl… You just have to _be_ with them."

She hears the breath he releases at that, and feels his fingers tighten around hers.

" _Are_ you with me?" she asks.

The fear is gone from his eyes and replaced by disbelief.

_Oh._

_Oh, Beth… Don't you know?_

"Girl… _How_ d'you _not_ know the answer to that by now?"

"I guess I just didn't want to draw assumptions that might be upsettin' in the long run."

"It ain't an assumption when it's literally as fuckin' obvious as _day_."

Beth's smile widens.

"Then make it _more_ obvious."

He sighs softly.

"Beth… Everythin' ya said… Everythin' ya did…"

_What changed your mind?_

_You know._

_What?_

_You_ know _._

"It's _you_ ," he breathes, and a thick tear rolls down her cheek as the word leaves his lips and dampens her chin.

_Oh._

"…It was all for you."

And then she can't hold it back anymore.

" _I love you_."

Another sharp breath from him.

"I love you and I don't _need_ what you think I do. I just need you, because I _love_ you… _All_ of you. Even the part of you that doesn't want that other stuff. I love all of you."

He seems to be in shock.

She still can't imagine why he is.

"…All of me?" he shudders, and she breathes a sob at the question.

Lifting her other hand, she brushes the dark clumps of hair out of his eyes and flashes another radiant smile, just like the one she had amongst all the candles and frosty cola bottles.

"All of me loves all of you."

It was never about that, but in the end…

It doesn't need to be.


End file.
